Aspirations
How do you become…you? Or rather the version you want to be (warning idfk)
The fabric of the universe hit me with a dense thwap last week.
My neck whipsawed back and my brain slushed around in its slippery juices like the bar of soap you tried to launch up the halfpipe of your childhood bathtub.
I started really wondering about some core goals of mine while my consciousness floated up in that abrupt chaos until eventually it all came back down
and I did not stick the landing (Metaphorically.) [at first].
I sat outside on a grey day (still recovering) and found myself asking that list of questions - the one that feels unique, but is just universally plain omni-pain yet still the answers really really matter to you. Like damn. Feelings and emotions matter.
So so so it goes a little bit like →
What is my purpose?
What should I be doing with my finite life and time?
Can I be happy?
(it started to rain when I scribbled this one out and I scrambled to get inside like some twitchy field mouse and marveled helplessly at the fact that my fervent desperation to avoid a moment of potential discomfort might imply something terrifying about my ability to commit to the effort of becoming truly good at something)
And so interrupted I never wrote down the answers to my list of questions.
fortunately - that existential episode became this.
A love letter to the aspirational self - mine, yours, and everyone who’s pre-aspiration too.
The aspirational self has, I think, three parts.
The Feeling. The End State. The How.
The Feeling is fairly universal. You look at yourself (metaphorically literally) and sense something. A missing something. From yourself. You want to be better in some way, shape, or form. It’s sometimes defined, sometimes not, but always comes from a place of “I’m not happy with the way things are right now and I want to change that”.
This feeling can be healthy. This can be unhealthy. We’re chaotic neutral here so it doesn’t matter rn. This feeling gets you the activation energy you need to just…start.
The End State is narrower. It’s attuned to the individual. It’s the version of you that you see in your mind’s eye. Doesn’t have to be perfect → just progressed. It could be a set of traits somebody else has or embodies that you want. It could be a purely new iteration of you and only you (again except better).
Note: It’s useful to think as concretely as possible about The End State because the more specific you can be the more tangible your How is gonna feel. Smart goals etc etc.
And the How…
The How is the looming wall of the fortress you conveniently ignore when fantasizing about the Future You With Zero Problems and All the Success.
It’s a scary canyon of effort between you and the End State and the sweet, sweet Feeling that comes with it.
Sometimes the effort is soul crushing. Sometimes it’s not that bad.
Of course, more effort required is usually harder than less effort required, but strangely I’ve found that regardless of our own individual life’s difficulty baseline (mine has changed dramatically over the past decade), I still don’t like to think about this part at all. At least not without re-convincing myself to accept that desired outcomes = work again and again and again. It’s just not my natural state of belief.
I think it’s mostly because the How’s existence empirically proves beyond a shadow of a doubt that I’m emphatically not there yet with whatever thing I’m working on and therefor can’t in good conscience sip on that syrupy serotonin blast of success basking.
But… since the dawn of bullshitting we all have known that if we ignore the nagging How we can reward ourselves today! Sick.
It’s naturally fleeting because of course it is because we didn’t really earn it so we have this repetitive Feeling - End State - Ignore the How Part depression doom loops as we learn and relearn that we don’t do all that much some days.
What a bunch of united fleabags we all are lol.
So that’s a common affliction. There’s a whole industry dedicated to people dealing with this. I definitely get value from this industry yet the inaction + rationalization cycle isn’t really my core toxic trait.
My toxicity is expressed as the inverse of this.
I manifest the “I did something good, but I am definitely not even close to the End State yet” blues.
It’s the mood of I can see so clearly how awesome it’s going to be once I hit the right level of proficiency or progress or milestone or whatever, but damn its taking a long time for it to come together (and practice is hard and boring!).
The tell for this toxic trait is when you start thinking in terms of righteous temporal accounting.
“I spent six hours on this project and it still sucks and should’ve been done by now!”
“I’ve been playing these three stupid notes on the guitar for an hour and still can’t hit that riff right!”
“It’s been weeks since I published that post and I still haven’t gotten any bump in subscribers!”
And so on.
It’s the attitude fully on display in Bo Burnham’s The Inside Outtakes. The quality and competence and craftsmanship and vision and effort is so painfully visible, yet the art (his End State for each scene) torturously isn’t…there (yet). And the next day comes and it isn’t done. And the next day.
And the next.
That’s pain. That’s longing. That’s the place where you lose yourself over and over again.
And yet that is the Hero’s Journey, right? Or at least the capitalist utopian version of it.
Years of toil and effort in obscurity to build the skills and mastery to finally become an overnight success.
And maybe that’s the way.
Maybe that’s the only way.
And that makes the frustration with the process futile.
Yet still aggressively real.
Some days I can literally do the exact right How that is pushing me down the path to get to the End State I want, but I can’t shake the core-shattering knowledge that End State is still miles away.
But I have developed some thought processes to handle this
When you’re frustrated with grinding, listen to what you start saying to yourself.
These exhortations are the exhaust fumes of your fragmenting resolve.
It’s a sign you need to realign yourself with your Why before your habit chain fizzles out.
Sure sometimes a lack of tangible feedback is an indicator of needing to change tactics to get better results, but more often than not - even when you absolutely crush what you’re doing - there’s no applause until later (usually much later).
It’s trite to say overnight success isn’t overnight, but damn we should probably acknowledge it more. We know it’s true on some level, but we don’t treat it as true. We’re convinced on some level it can be easy even as the people living those moments tell us it wasn’t overnight.
Watch the first 100 Youtube videos on any channel you’re subscribed to and you can see exactly how much effort went in before somebody besides their parents started caring about their creations.
Even training montages about struggle are toxic. They just show the cliffnotes version of the growth process which we subsequently internalize as the reality even as we know it’s just a mapping. An unfiltered grind doesn’t make for good TikToks.
So progress is struggle - even for the few genetically gifted cats and dogs out there that do, indeed, start with a leg (or many legs) up on the…competition? Competition doesn’t feel right because games are just constructed relative hierarchies we apply to a meaningless sequence of actions, reactions, and counteractions, but also maybe it feels right now that i say it like that.
Anyway all this is preamble.
I don’t think there is a canonical example of how to truly define the aspirational self nor do I think understanding who you are vividly and truly is repeatable process, but to the extent it’s useful here’s an attempt to capture this slice of consciousness within myself as of June 2022 (the end of the first quarter of the third plague year for any technoarcheologists cataloguing this).
Here are some Things I want to be, Why I want them, an earnest attempt to visualize an End State, and How I precisely hope to achieve their vagaries.
There is also some philosophy if you squint.
I want to be…
A Success (whatever the hell that means).
Why?
To make my perpetual descent into entropy consist of more than just accruing tick marks on the wall of this cagebody. This is mostly performative for my inner dialogue’s amusement. It can both feel nice and make society better I think.
End State?
Creating things I want to create. The Love of my life partner and cats. Unbounded financial independence. Respect of peers. Yet also retaining the ability to quietly enjoy a pleasantly lazy afternoon even if it doesn’t contribute to the productive growth of a totalitarian empire.
How?
Producing quality stuff and things at a ratio in excess of my consumption. Generating ideas and coordinating resources in the direction of accomplishing said ideas. Casual Buddhic Ascension.
With the ingredients Time and Effort and Tao ← stomp stomp
An Entrepreneur.
Why?
This is a good proxy for the metaphysical spirit of complex system building (which I think is v fun) except with skin in the game. It’s also the closest perpetual contact with that medium I think I can realistically maintain on a timeline I’m comfortable with. I have a finite amount of professional 10 year journeys left in me (two, possibly three) and this is one of them.
I also am fundamentally inspired by something fellow veteran and entrepreneur Sarah Apgar of Fitfighter said a few months ago. She mentioned that entrepreneurship is a chance to call your own shot years in advance. As in, well before anyone else in the world has a sense of what you can do. That’s an incredible and unique challenge to present to yourself. I like that aesthetic.
Also (on a probability weighted basis), I think this line of effort is mostly likely where I can affect meaningful change in the world.
End State?
Change the nature of modern payments. Leverage the transformational parts of crypto to solve real and meaningful problems. Build a trillion dollar company. Gainfully employ thousands of people with work that provides not just financially, but emotionally. Big Goals.
How?
Define and clarify the vision. Find mentors. Listen to them sometimes. Identify resource constraints. Accrue resources to fill gaps. Assume that what “I want the world to be like” and what reality offers are by default different. Execute on the vision with the resources. Listen to customer feedback loops.
Cap existential risks. Maximize volatility.
Ask for help.
A Good Partner.
Why?
To maximize the mutual joy in my partner and I’s interpersonal lives and to live a life with someone I know to be kind, strong, and incredibly caring. To live in the practice of empathy.
End State?
Some combination of the excitement for each other the Nwigwe’s embody, the endearing banter that Ryan Reynolds + Blake Lively live out daily, and the earnest commitment of Up.
How?
Explicitly value our time together through an unyielding focus on interactions. Create opportunities to experience the world uniquely together. Write a singular, joint, and cohesive story. Express these feelings regularly and with an eye towards improving the density and quality of communication.
An Athlete.
Why?
I want to feel powerful in my own skin. I want to be hard to kill. I want to embrace the physicality inherent in the constraint of attachment to this fleshy vessel. I want to manifest and enjoy a longer and fuller life.
End State?
80th percentile of physical strength athletes (rough guide here with percentiles at the bottom). Roughly 14% bodyfat average (depends on my natural nutritional resting states over time). Can endure multiple strenuous days of walking with weight without issue.
How?
Continue executing on existing exercise systems. Update diet plan. Get groceries that are aligned with said diet plan. This mostly boils down to avoiding hungry shopping. Integrate outdoor hikes with weight once a month.
A Thinker.
Why?
I value developing differentiated viewpoints for its own sake. I get validation from others enjoying and respecting my opinions. I like feeling smart tbh.
End State
How?
Read. Write. Reflect. Read what I wrote. Reflect again. Rewrite. Share.
Talk about what I read and write with others that want to talk about what they read and write.
Pay attention to the data.
An Artist.
Why?
I want to healthily express my feelings. I want to go about my existence at a fundamentally more creative baseline. I want to learn how to enjoy life without the expectation of results.
End State?
A journeyman’s understanding of music and writing and poetry.
How?
Reduce the friction between me and creation. Guitar perpetually out and tuned. Notepad always within reach. Replace mindless breaks with mindful practice.
A Good Person.
Why?
I want to add value to everyone I interact with, even if just small feeling of positivity in their day. I want to help other people feel good about themselves because I struggle with that and it sucks.
End State?
End State?
*redacted* but there’s a few people in my life I want to be more like.
How?
Treat others with cheer, good vibes, and a sense of limitless positivity. Listen. Respond to their thoughts - not just my interpretation of them. Abundance mindset as the default mantra (embrace the earnest).
An Interesting Person.
Why?
I want to deeply appreciate the finite moments I have. I want to accrue a quantity and quality of experiences that others can’t or won’t. I want to ultimately respect myself enough that the decisions I make generally have pushed me to grow as a person.
End State?
I want people to leave our interactions with at a minimum a sense of “huh, they’re neat”.
How?
Default to yes. Embrace thinking 3 standard deviations from the mean. Earnestly enjoy things outside the context of their relative utility in pursuit of a practical goal. Share this enjoyment of said niche with others excited to listen.
I’m mostly shouting this for myself at this point, but maybe it’s useful for you to see the flailing.
I hope this added value to your day.
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